Looking up

Dear bloggers,

Time to think about the future and start living again.  I’m not getting any younger and I need to get my life in order.  I need to listen to all the good people in my life and move on.   I’m done with being taken advantage of, harassed or mistreated.  Time to start trusting the good, real people.  Enough being a doorstep.  I’m a middle child and it’s time to stand up for all middle children.  We are people, good good people.  Get to know us for who we are and for who you want us to be. The time is now, this is my life and I’m going to live!  I love the help and motivation, please keep it up.  We will run and rule this world together.  Let the games begin……

Sincerely yours,

Looking up in this world

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Really, why am I here?

Dear world,

Live been doing much better after reading all of your kind and positive thoughts.  Even after a good day like today, I still contemplate suicide.  What is wrong with me?  I still look for my reason for being here.  As you know I’m a middle child who is still convinced I’m a mistake, and I should not be here.  Really do people plan on having two children in the same calendar year without the children being twins?  I really find this hard to believe and I’m still told I was early, and even if that is true I’d still be less than a year younger than my next sibling.  I actually had a good day as it was spent with a great friend and her family, which they say I’m now a part of. That is not a bad thing as they want me there and around them. I really love this but I’m still hesitant. I’m thinking I’m this way is I’m afraid of getting hurt again or getting used. I know deep inside this is not true but I cannot help feeling this way. After spending time with them I went home to take a swim coaching test so I could be on the deck as a coach with our kids. Then I got a call from my sister in law who was in my area so she stopped by. I haven’t seen her or my nephew in a while as I’ve skipped the past few holidays. It was great talking to her and catching up. She married one of my brothers so she knows how I feel as she married into this family. We have a family event the weekend before Thanksgiving and she wanted to know if I’ll be there. Being the single loser I am, I did not get invited with guest. So my first thought is why again do I want to be the odd man out. I’m told my sister may be coming in and that may explain why I’ve heard from her in the past few weeks. I also found out she stopped talking to some of her friends when they had kids as she didn’t understand the kid commitment. I thought shed get it now that she has kids. I’m not sure if she doesn’t get it or doesn’t accept it. I think my sister needs me when she comes in town as she will need a babysitter as my parents cannot walk the stairs. Again I’m the convenience factor. The kids love me, I don’t see them much as I can walk the stairs. I’m just so fed up of being used. Is that the reason I was put here on Earth? I certainly hope not but it sure seems that way. This is why suicide seems so good to me. But as I’ve heard keep thinking of the good things. I try so hard and days like today help but then I come back to reality and go home home to an empty house. Still second guessing my every move and wondering what I need to do to find my value an worth in this world. I don’t get how I can have such a good day and then come home alone to think and contemplate suicide. I really don’t think I want to commit suicide but it looks so tempting to me. I’m going to try and stay on the right path. It is so hard knowing that Thanksgiving is so close and how much I hate that holiday. I’m hoping to sleep so I don’t think bad thoughts all night. I’m still here so I’m keeping in mind everything that has been said to me. Thank you.
Sincerely yours,
Hopelessly still here

Thank you

Dear helpers,

I do not nor can I ever thank you enough for your support.  I’m in my late 40’s never married,no kids but love them.  I regret not having kids but my last boyfriend never wanted kids so I should have accepted it.  But I guess deep down being alone is how I’m meant to be.  All of your kind thoughts and prayers are very much appreciated.  I truly feel alone but it’s nice to see there are others like me.  I cannot tell you how many times I have considered suicide as its so hard to find my real place in life.  I guess I should also tell you I’m in a lot of pain due to Achilles tendon issues.  So the thought of overdose is an easy one as I’ve got plenty of meds here.  I jokingly said to my friend that I couldn’t even overdose right as I took a lot ofmeds the other day and woke up with a nasty headache.  I’m just so confused on my purpose in life.  All I know is that I need to be working with kids.  Most of the kids I deal with are preschool to middle elementary aged children.  I loved the suggestion of acting like a kid and just coloring. I’m told all the  time that I’m a kid and my response is always the same, thank you.  Reading all of your comments are so helpful I cannot even explain it in words.  I’ve been in a bad place and funk for way too long.  I’m not sure if it’s societal pressures or familial pressures.  I need to figure out the best plan of action and follow through.  Time to think and again my heart goes out to you with many thanks.

Sincerely yours,

Thankfully trying to live

Looking for help

Dear bloggers, 

Im at a loss and looking for help.  I’m in a really bad place and have been for a while.  I’ve contemplated suicide many times thinking its my best solution.  I’ve really only got one friend I trust with this and feel like a burden.  I really cannot seem to continue finding a reason to go on and I need to figure this out. I don’t have any outlets so my friend got me to start blogging on here. The only thing I look forward to is working with the kids.  I’m great withtithe but once they go home I’m back in myfunk.  I’m looking for any suggestions or ideas on what I can do.  Thanks for reading.

Sincerely yours,

Lost and confused

Psychics abound

Dear spirits,

I sat and listened to Rebecca Rosen tonight not really knowing what to think.  I don’t have faith in much nowadays so I figured this was worth a try.   She has a great reputationas a speaker, author and spiritual reader.,.She has a following all over the country. She came to the facility where I work so again I took this for granted as I only had to walk upstairs to hear her. After talking to people I found out that some people drove a few hours to hear her. She spoke last night and tonight and some of the audience were at both shows. After talking to people from last night I was told she was amazing. The crowds were totally different with different energies. For those of you unfamiliar with her she works with spirits and psychic readings. She began the night off explaining her goal for the night followed by a brief introduction of herself. She then did a 10 minute meditation session to get us in the right frame of mind. I found this interesting as this is one of the things I used to teach in my collegiate stress management classes. Again I’m a skeptic but I love this kind of stuff. Having little faith in people and even less trust I had to see for myself what it was all about. She began by talking to people about loved ones they had lost and the messages they were sending down to them now. It was very interesting and a bit wild to see how she found the people in the audience. The weird part to me was about how she talked about suicide and drug overdose in a lot of these cases. Being one that has contemplated suicide a lot, I took an interest. Some of these spirits came back to apologize for what they had done. I see it my way still as you never wanted me when I was here on Earth. So now why are you crying that I’m gone? I hate to admit this but it almost wants me to leave this place sooner. I know the goal here was to make us feel good and to think more positive about the future. These spirits of ours are like our guardian angels watching over us to make sure we are well. Yes I should have come out of this more positive. But my first reaction was wow. It really did make me wonder why I’m here and maybe I should seriously reconsider ending my life. I totally got the wrong message and came out of there feeling more down. I was one of the last to leave and I did get to hear from Rebecca and her staff that this was one of the toughest most energized crowd she has had. So what does that mean? Did we have too much going on for her to get a clear reading? Toward the end she asked the audience if any of us have considered suicide by overdose? I think it was more of a rhetoric question as I know I’d never admit that in front of a group. And yes overdose is one if the things I have considered. I also sat and heard in my mind that my ex wanted me to come stay with him so I’d have to commit suicide. I really came out of there bewildered and even more confused. Do I really belong here? Most people know their purpose or value and I’m still trying to figure mine out. What do I do or think?
Sincerely yours
Psychically confused

Bad luck,

Dear luck master,

I guess what they say is true, without bad luck I’ve have no luck at all.  Seeing that I had the day off I thought I’d clean my house, do laundry and run errands.  Not being home a lot leaves a lot of spider webs in the house.  While doing laundry I saw too much filth so I took out the duster and vacuum.  The vacuum worked for two minutes then died.  As I was opening the basement blinds I noticed something weird, it turned out to be a dead frog.  Seemed very odd but it is me so I cleaned it up and went outside to start my ATV.  It turned on and it was running so I went and put it in storage.  Bad luck is not being able to keep fish alive. back into the basement to continue cleaning and dusting.  Two minutes later (a popular number for the day) the ATV stopped running.  So I go back outside to see what’s going on.  I tried everything I could but no luck it’s dead and needs to go in for service. I finished the basement andtook the laundry upstairs in hopes to clean the main level.  The morning started by cleaning out my 10 gallon fish tank and putting it away in the basement as I can’t seem to keep fish alive in that tank.  Cleaned the tank and hoped for the best.  Time to clean my room and bathroom.  My main level vacuum stopped for a few minutes, blew some black smoke so I shut it off.  The vacuum is eating its own cord.  Time to take out the electrical tape to repair the cord and hope for the best.  Finished tapingknow time to see if it worked. It did turn on with no smoke so that’s agoos sign.  I left the badluck alone and put that vacuum away.  Pulling out my upstairs vacuum from my bedroom closet I’m hoping for the best.  I plug it in and start to vacuum, or at least u thought I did.  It was not picking up a thing but it was running.  I emptied it before I started it so I know it’s clean.  Not knowing what else to do I took out the wand to see if that would work.  Yes, it worked.  It was not an ideal situation but I needed toclean.  It’s days and things like this that make me wonder,who is enjoying this?  Is thiswhy I’m still alive, to give others someone to laugh at?  If so that’s gives me a purpose,not a good one but it is a reason. Beingthat it’s only Monday I’m afraid to see the rest of the week.  I received a text from my boss in regards to a meeting for tomorrow that I forgot about that I was supposed to run. Once again I screwed up. What am I really doing here? It’s getting harder and harder to find a reason to stay alive.
Sincerely yours
The bad luck queen 

Confused again

Dear world,

Im asking for your help as I’m just so confused about life. I had a good, fun day but I’m still in a funk and wonder why I’m still here.  I went from one job to the other today and they both went fine with no real issues or problems.  I got to see a lot of people that I haven’t seen in a while and it was nice.  I just don’t what to do as things seem to go right but I’m still questioning my value and worth in life? Why am I still here? I just don’t get it things went well today and I’m still contemplating suicide. Is there a reason for this? Am I destined to be like this or is there a greater purpose for me here on Earth? I truly believe I’ve got a good heart. I just wish I could be happy. I thought I’d be in a great moodas I didn’t get any complaints on anything today, which is not normal as I’m used to getting complaints or yelled at today. The norm for me is that I’m wrong no matter what I did. Today I wasn’t told that so why do I feel like crap and feel like just leaving this Earth for good. I would love to know what else I can do. I’ve been told to focus on the good things and I’m trying but I keep second guessing myself. I was occupied all day at work so I didn’t have much time to think. I just wish I knew my destiny. Yes I keep hearing that I need to focus on the positive and if that I believe it will come. What do I really want and do I know what it means to be happy? I’m looking for any help I can get but I’m afraid to ask and I’m embarrassed about my feelings. I’m not one to talk about feelings and emotions so this is killing me. I don’t want to admit I’ve got a problem but I don’t know to cope. I need to find a healthy way to vent. I’ve also got to find a way to talk to real people and just not to post online. I’m going to try and learn how to deal in a more positive way and hope to keep going.
Sincerely yours,
Chugging along