growing up

Growing up in a family of 5 children was a lot of fun for the most part.  Being the exact middle was not always the best place to be.  The older siblings were allowed to do more due to their age and the younger ones did things together and I got ignored.  Not realizing who I was growing up I quickly learned to be more independent thinking this was a good thing.  I was the first of us to graduate from a university in 4 years and I was also the first to buy my own house.  I should have realized that at this point in time I was on the wrong path as I was constantly getting yelled at for things. I was told that I would never get married and no man would ever want a woman who has her own house.  Being me I just thought these people were jealous of me.  I had a lot of fun and good times at my new house so I took what was said for granted.  I guess I should back up a bit and tell you that I was the only girl in the neighborhood for a long time so I grew up as a tomboy and love my sports. Most of my friends were guys and I treated them as brothers.  What few girl friends I had were all jealous as I was constantly talking to the good looking guys who were just my friends.  I loved the fact that I was a tomboy as I exceled at sports.  Looking back at my high school and college years I now see that I was used for my friends.  Most of the girls who were supposedly used me to get to the guys.  Being somewhat naive  I just thought that is how things were.  Whenever something went wrong or something happened it was always my fault.  I was always being compared to others and as I look back at it now it was never to my advantage.  It was look at your brother and see what he is doing or look at your sister and she what she is doing and look at you.  I have been told that every decision I have made was wrong.  Why did I chose this major in school and not that major?  What kind of job could I get with my degree and how was I going to live?  It seems as though my brothers always had girlfriends and they tried setting up my sister with their friends as I was just there as another person.  I took everything for granted and just assumed that is how things were done.  I should have said to them how come you are concerned about her relationship status and not mine?  Why do you always ask things of me and talk to me only when you need something?  Am I not a person.  These feelings of worthlessness have been on my mind for quite a long time and thanks to a true friend I am starting to see who I am and who I need to be.  I am done being taken advantage of and relationships are a two way street.  if you only have time for me when you need something go talk to someone else as I will live my life my way and without you there.

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