sanity

I do not know how I have kept my sanity and kept myself alive over the past few decades.  No matter what I try and do it is never good enough.  It seems as though for every step I take forward I end up taking two steps backward.  In middle school I tried out for the basketball team and got cut because I was too short.  Really, that is why I got cut?  I could out dribble, shoot and pass better than any member that made the team.  The coach took a taller girl with no coordination whatsoever.  There went my days of playing basketball so I stuck to my favorite sport soccer.  I stated soccer in the midst of Title 9 where they were trying to get the girls to play with the boys on some teams.  Not really understanding all of this at the time I fell in love with the game.  I was the only girl in the soccer league and the boys did not want to be goalie so they threw me in goal.  As it turns out this was the best decision for me as I exceled in goal as it was a challenge for me not to let the boys score a goal on me.  Looking back I see the downfall was that I never really learned how to dribble or any ball handling skills.  I was chosen to represent my high school team as the all state goalie my sophomore year in high school but I never found out about it until after the state game.  My coach at the time did not like me as I was younger than her daughter and did a great job as a goalie.  I only found out about this as one of my friend’s dads turned out to be our state coach.  He questioned me about not making it to the practices or to the game.  The only response I had was that I did not know.  Again one step forward and two steps backwards.    I still love the sport of soccer to this day but I am not allowed to play anymore due to an Achilles tendon issue.  Back in high school I had both the softball and swim coach approach me to play their sport but my mind was set on soccer, which is pretty funny looking at me nowadays.  I have had many spells of darkness in my past and in college my motto was :Life Sucks.”  I was feeling alone as most of my friends had significant others in their lives and I was still alone.  It seems as though everyone was fixed up or found someone except for me.  I was seen as the tomboy that could never have a real life.  I cannot tell you how many times I have thought about ending my life but I am way too afraid to do that.  More to come later.

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