sanity continues

To continue on, I must say that I have a strong exterior and I do not let people in.  Very few people know the real me as I will not allow anyone to do so.  I have a hard time talking or expressing my feelings.  I have thought of suicide many times as I do not see any value or meaning in my life.  To this day I am still soul searching.  I take a lot for granted that other see as positive characteristics.  Deep down I know that I have a good heart but I tend to see things negatively or I find a way to shut people out.  And if that does not work I tell them something hurtful so they will not want to be my friend or near me.    Suicide is not a good solution but ultimately I do not believe I have the courage to commit suicide.  When push comes to shove I really do not think I could actually kill myself.  One of my friends saw this and saw me going over the edge and she tried to set up an intervention.  Fortunately the intervention never happened.  For some reason once I get close to people I push them away.  I am not sure of the real reason as to why I do this but it is my tendency.  I think a lot it has to do with commitment and trust as I have a hard time with both of those too.  But being a middle child make me second guess a lot as most times I got to do stuff as there was no one else around and I was there.  The convenience factor is another reason for a lot I did throughout my life.  I have a great sense of humor which has also gotten me through a lot in life.  Humor is a great way of hiding your true feelings.  To this day I have thought why me and why is it always me that can do no right.  A friend of mine died recently at a young age and I wondered why she was taken from this earth so young when she was such a great person and a lover of life.  she has been an inspiration in my life and she always saw the good in everything and in everyone.  I wished that I could have taken her place as I truly do not believe I am a good person deserving to be living today.  Now I know there are reasons for everything and then I go back to another line I use often, “Only the good die young.”   And if this is true I will be around for a very long time.  I do think very negatively of myself and with the help of a good friend who is more like the sister I have needed my whole life.  She constantly tells me that I have value and that I have worth.  I have also been told that in order for me to be in a relationship I need to love myself first.  If I cannot love myself how can I expect someone else to love me.  As time goes on I have become very depressed and I do not know how to deal with this as I do not want to really admit how bad I am.  I see that being depressed is a weakness that does look good in our society of today.  My sister as I will call her, suggested many things to me one of which was this blog so I could get my true feelings out without you knowing who I am.  I can get it all out and put in on this blog and hopefully there are others out there in the same boat as me. I tend to ignore anything related to me and how I feel.  I take care of others before I take care of myself.  Then I get told that if I do not take care of myself then how can I take care of others?  I am slowly learning that I need to care more about everything and there is a great plan for me.  I need to believe in order for me to receive.  Thank you for being my sister and I love you and appreciate all you do.  Now if only I could listen to all of the  positive thins going on around me so I do not have to cry myself to sleep again.

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