Dear Soccer Coach,
Looking back at all my years of playing soccer I must say you stick in my mind the most. I constantly go back to you as you were the first real coach I had but as I see now I was there for your benefit and not mine. I was the only goalie you had and I happened to be very good as I am a natural athlete with a desire and drive to always do my best. You put me on varsity my freshman year as I was the only goalie that tried out. It happened to have been the second year of that high school having a girls soccer team so that also worked to my advantage. As an athlete my focus was always on the game and doing what I can to win and continually improve my skills. You had a lot of college contacts that did help get most of us college scholarships (which is another story.) I loved and still do love the game of soccer and learned so much over the years as a player and coach. To give you an example of my love, I tore the ligaments in my ankle and convinced the doctor that it was just a sprain and that I could play. Needless to say it worked and I was back on the field in two days once I could get a shoe back on my foot. Looking back now I realize this was the dumbest thing to do but I went on the belief of no pain no gain. I trusted my coach that she needed me in the game so I played. Playing goalie gave me control and I felt like I was needed (again I did not have a backup) so I badly wanted to be on the field playing. Knowing my ankle was messed up I avoided punting the ball and focused on throwing it so I could get it out of my area. I was very fortunate as I could play soccer year round. During the warmer seasons we played outdoors and during the Michigan winters I got to play indoors. I was under the impression that my teammates really liked me as a person and as a friend. Little did I know that they only liked me because they needed a goalie. Being the naïve person that I was I believed in the goo in all people. As a freshman they wanted to hang out with me but I was hesitant as they were all older and I was the only freshman on the team. The following year I started to hang out with them but never really went to any parties. People that know me never believe that I never drank until my 21st birthday. I just did not see a need for drinking to have fun. Once I got to know my teammates and coach better the more I realized I wanted nothing to do with them. I was then harassed and laughed at as I would not go out with them anymore as I saw they only went out to get drunk or do other drugs. was not a big one on peer pressure so I really did not care what they thought. I lost trust and faith in them as they only wanted me to do drugs and drink with them. I was sworn to secrecy not to repeat what they did to anyone as the coach was the one getting the alcohol and drugs for the team. I thought that the coach was supposed to be there as a role model and not as a supplier for drugs and alcohol. From that day forward I started to second guess a lot and wonder why people wanted to be with me. During my senior year we got a new coach as the other one resigned as her daughter had graduated. All of those teammates that did drugs were all gone and now at a college on soccer scholarships. My new coach was a nice enough guy but he really had no clue on the sport of soccer. I talked to the Athletic Director and asked him why he was chosen and the answer I received was that he was the only one that applied. I did accept that but I was still hesitant. I was the leader on the team and chosen team captain being the only one that had been on the team for more than one year. It was a fun and interesting year but very difficult as we did not win too many games. Looking back I now see that I have been taken advantage of, harassed and just plain old used. I was brought up with the Golden Rule, to treat others as you want to be treated. So that is how I tend to live my life but I see that most only care about themselves and how they can get what they want from others. I know that I have a lot of trust and commitment issues and some of this date back to high school. I tend to let my guard down when I think people are there for me. Once I realize they are not there for me but for themselves I get upset and start thinking negatively. As you have hopefully read in my previous posts, I do not know how to handle depression or emotions so I start to consider suicide. That has always seemed like the best solution for me so I do not have to continually get hurt and down. I will then be gone and have no worries. I still think this a lot to this day but very few people know this as I still hide my feelings. I am trying to deal and not to do anything stupid but it is very hard for me. I do not have a large support group as I see now as most of them only want something from me and not me for who I am. Holidays and family time are very difficult for me as I feel used and not wanted no matter what anyone says to me. This time of year is very bad for me as I am constantly thinking how to just end my life and end my misery. But then I start think is this a good idea? I have seen professionals in the past and they never seem to do anything for me so now I am even more hesitant to go try a new doctor of any kind. I really do no want to take any meds as I have enough of them for other issues. How can I cope? What do I really want to do? Do I go back and try and get back into the lives of friends and families? Do I find new family members and friends? Do I move out of town where I know no one and start over? I am still trying to live but I really do not know how to live. I know this sounds strange especially considering I am in my late 40’s. I do love my job as I get the opportunity to work with kids of all ages. The only things I hate about my job are the hour and the salary so do I continue this job? I love being with children and they are the main reason I am still alive today. I cannot imagine living without the children in my life. They are the main thing keeping me alive and functioning on a daily basis. I spend a lot of time thinking about negative things and suicide but I truly do no believe I could actually go through with it but it is constantly in my thoughts. So I am seen on the outside as one person but on the inside I am totally different as I do not trust most people with my true feelings. Some of them will make fun of me, harass me or just plain ignore me. I should just do what I know is best and ignore what I know is wrong. I need to start living my life as life should be lived. I need to focus on the good and stop thinking on how to end my life. Looking back my soccer coach is only one of many that have led me to believe that people are only out for themselves and not to have trust in people.
Hopelessly living life as a middle child