people perceptions

Dear People,

Does it really matter what I look like?  Do you really care what my body type is at every given moment?  Is being skinny better for you?  I am a person too regardless of what I look like.  I bleed the same as you when we are cut, I cry the same as you when my feelings are hurt.  Nobody is perfect and we all have our faults so why is it that the perception is that fat people or overweight people are seen as lazy.  A perfect example of mine goes back about 20 years to an old roommate of mine who was all skin and bones and I was not even close to that as I was overweight.  She was looked at as being beautiful and I was looked at as though I was a troll.   We were working at a fitness club at the time and this was when body fat and body image were just beginning to be the biggest thing on the market.  As employees we were all asked to have our body fat done to see where everyone was at that time.  As it turned out her body fat was only a little bit lower than mine.  The perception was that because I was overweight that my body fat had to be a lot higher than my friends.  People need to realize that fat weighs more than muscle and I happen to be pretty strong.  These people just kill my self esteem which led me to some very stupid behaviors.  The first of which is always suicide as I have always seen this as a quick way out and then I have nothing else left to deal with.  But instead of that I chose to drink, not like an alcoholic but a lot more than I should have.  I went out 3-5 nights a week drinking until I was too drunk to know better or to drive home.  No I did not drive home drunk as I left my car at numerous bars or I had friends drive me home.  A lot of those drunk times I did more dumb stuff as I had unprotected sex in the bathrooms at some of the bars.  These were the same group of guys that I always hung out with so I was not so dumb to just have sex with anyone.  Needless to say we all had on beer goggles and we did what felt right at the time.  Again I am a person no matter how heavy I am.  I have been heavy my entire life but I have also been pretty solid.  I am far from skinny but I would say that I am pretty fit and muscular.  When people first see me their perception is that I am lazy and cannot do much.  I am far from lazy and I do have a good heart.  I should not have to prove anything to anybody but in today’s society I am seen as overweight and not as a person.  I must say that years ago I also ate pretty much in front of me, the see food diet.  I saw food and ate it as I did not really care.  I also look back at realize that at one time eating and food did give me enjoyment.  Over the last couple of years I have changed my diet and I really do not care about food as much as I did in the past.  Food does not do much for me so I only eat when I am hungry or feel dizzy.  Back in high school I was also made fun of as I was the fat girl not the girl who was athletic and had muscle but only as the fat girl.  Looking back again I know that people liked me for what I could do for them and not for me as a person.  This behavior of being used by people is no longer being done as I see how people really are and I do not care about their thoughts.  My siblings back in high school for the most part were skinnier than me as were most of my friends.  I remember a time in high school when my parents got so mad at me as i was too fat and overweight that they made me go outside and run around the block for an hour.  Imagine what this does to your self esteem and self image.  And you wonder why I was negative, depressed and thought about suicide?  I never really felt comfortable around anyone as they saw me as a fat overweight person and I did not have feelings.  Nowadays I look at friends and try to see if they are really there for me or if they just need somnolent to make fun of to get their laughs.  I have fewer friends now and I really do not care as society shuns people like me and I get treated as a second class citizen.  Do you really know me?  Have you ever walked a day in my shoes?  Think before you act.  I am working out a lot more now due to a friend pushing and motivating me as she wants to learn how to teach some of these classes.  I have a great amount of knowledge but most people do not know that as they perceive me as lazy.  I am just as lazy as the next person and if I was truly lazy I would not be at my job 80 hours a week in the summer.  Perception can be everything but is it the truth?  Does it tell you the real story?  Yes I am overweight and yes I have thought about suicide and yes I am depressed.  With everything going on I am still here living day to day trying to think of reasons to get out of bed every day.  So the next time you meet someone take the time to get to know the person and not to judge the book by its cover, so to speak  If you had a weight problem or were depressed how would you want to be treated?  I have learned a lot over my lifetime and now I look at things more carefully and try to see things as they are and not just as how they look.  I know how I felt and how I do feel when I get looked down upon because I am not skinny.  I am who I am and I have never been skinny but I am pretty fit.  I should be treated as well as anyone else. 

Sincerely yours,

Trying to be positive



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