I know I should be with you now celebrating the Jewish New Year as it is that time. I do not really feel welcomed into my own parents home as I do not think anyone is genuine. I am the black sheep of the family (if you have read earlier posts you have heard this) and it seems as though no matter what I do it is wrong. I have been questioned on everything I do from college majors to boyfriends and houses. I am more of a rebel as I do not like to be told what to do. I will listen to opinions and values of others but I do not want to or like to be told what to do. I tend to do the opposite of what I am told and that in itself makes people unhappy. If it truly is my life why cannot I make the decisions. I am a single female in my late 40’s without children and I have never been married, even though I came close a couple of times. So in my family as well as in society I am seen as a loner, a loser. That is how I have been treated especially the last three and a half years since the passing of my last boyfriend who I almost married. If we had gotten married I would be a widower and I am not sure if that is any better or worse. My guess is that I would have had a better status seen that I was married. I do not see how marriage or kids holds a higher status or makes you a better person. I feel like a loser as that is how I am treated by most people. My self esteem and self worth are very low as I do not see my value if any, of being here in life. Deep down I know that I am generally a good person. But between family, so called friends and work right now I believe I am totally useless and should not be alive today. I do not know why I am here other than for people to laugh at and to use me as needed. That is a big part of me being home right now instead of being with my family. They truly do not care about me but they also see that I am moving further and further away from them. I tend to talk to my dad a lot as he genuinely cares and feels bad. I reassure him that I am fine and that I am exhausted from work and my pain levels are through the roof. I have a foot problem that cannot really be healed so I am trying to deal with it. I feel totally useless a lot of the time as I am too young to be feeling this much pain both internally and externally. I am constantly questioning why me especially this time of year when we are supposed to forgive others and look forward to a prosperous new year. It is said it is to be a good year with all of us inscribed and sealed in the book of life. I love this idea but I do not wholeheartedly believe it as I am still confused on this thing called life. I also know deep down that some of my family do care for me but they want to be a part of the norm and just accept that I am there when they need something. I am sick and tired of being used and it is about time that I either find a new life or just end my life, both which I have contemplated a lot lately. The more I see the way things are the more I want to end my life and it is not worth living. I find fewer and fewer people that want me in their lives. The more I see and hear this the more I wonder why I am still living? I used to love he holidays and spending quality time with the family and friends but since the passing of my ex things have just escalated in a bad way and I do not feel wanted. Why do you keep asking me to attend these things knowing how much they hurt me and how I usually end up fighting or arguing with someone. It is like this on all holidays both secular and religious. Most of my friends love holidays but I tend to disagree and end up staying home alone. The really sad thing is that I am more welcome in other homes than in my own. To me that is just really sad when I do not feel welcome where I belong. So this being said what do I do? I really do not know what to do as I am at a loss in life in a whole. I really do not know what I want or what to do anymore. The more I read online the more I realize how depressed I really am and I do not want to stay alive anymore. I need to change my train of thoughts and I think that may be best done by relaxing and rethinking through things on how to live my life to be inscribed and sealed in that book of life. I need to find positive and genuine people if there are any more out there. I have found one friend like that and I feel bad for her as I put a lot on her as she is the only one I can really talk to. My family and other friends ask how I am but they are asking out of courtesy not out of care. I need to find my place in life and find my value. I do not see any of my value or worth as I am too busy listening to all of the negative things and people in my life. Family if you really want me back then show me and do not just use me for what I can do for you. I am a person and I am alive and if you want me to stay alive I need to see some genuine care and concern. I hate feeling this useless and of no value but I have no other way to feel. I am hoping no one else has to deal with their family or with holidays in this manner as it is not fun.
Lost and confused