Confusion

Dear world,

Im still very confused and distraught.  I guessed I scared a friend last as she thought I made a poor choice and ended my life.  It turns out I had just turned my phone off as I’m supposed to be off this week.  I was told to think of what impact I would have on others if I did commit suicide.  She said that the impact on others would be irreversible.  My response was if I did end my life that I would make a lot of people happy.  I truly believe a lot of people I know are using me for what I can do for them.  I do not see any value in me as a person and most of my coworkers are just fake, smile at you and pretend they really care about you.  Over the past day or I’ve received quite a few emails, calls and text messages.  I am not sure why?  Do people see that I’m down and depressed? Or are they just confused as to why I’m so quiet and reserved.   I think I’m holding it together for the most part pretty well as most people see me as normal.  I don’t want people to know how I really feel.  It’s just getting to be a lot of things going on.  Work and life in general are overwhelming and it seems as if I can do no right.  I really do try to my best at whatever I’m doing at the time.  Do people really care?  Am I supposed to be here on Earth living life, or am I supposed to just end it all and have no worries?  My mind is constantly running and I cannot get my mind or my brain to stop thinking.  Part of my problem is lack of sleep and that’s not a good thing.  How can I sleep when my mind is so filled with thoughts, most are not good for me and are very negative.  I blame myself for a lot and when I do something good or positive I usually take it for granted.  I just assume  these things should be done and if it’s my job I need to do it.  I continually second guess myself and do not think I can do anything right.  I’m afraid to let too many people how I really feel as I feel like a and this is very hard for me to talk about let alone admit it.  Yes I know most people will get depressed at one point in his or her life, but it seems as if I should be over this by now.  Not a whole lot excites me and I’m very apathetic.    I’m tried to find something that makes me happy but it’s getting harder and harder to do.  I really question everything right now?  Please help me find a reason to stay alive.  Will anyone really miss me?  I’m thinking that some people will be upset but I see more happy faces if I’m gone.  Things do not seem to get better.
Sincerely yours
Truly confused

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