Really, why am I here?

Dear world,

Live been doing much better after reading all of your kind and positive thoughts.  Even after a good day like today, I still contemplate suicide.  What is wrong with me?  I still look for my reason for being here.  As you know I’m a middle child who is still convinced I’m a mistake, and I should not be here.  Really do people plan on having two children in the same calendar year without the children being twins?  I really find this hard to believe and I’m still told I was early, and even if that is true I’d still be less than a year younger than my next sibling.  I actually had a good day as it was spent with a great friend and her family, which they say I’m now a part of. That is not a bad thing as they want me there and around them. I really love this but I’m still hesitant. I’m thinking I’m this way is I’m afraid of getting hurt again or getting used. I know deep inside this is not true but I cannot help feeling this way. After spending time with them I went home to take a swim coaching test so I could be on the deck as a coach with our kids. Then I got a call from my sister in law who was in my area so she stopped by. I haven’t seen her or my nephew in a while as I’ve skipped the past few holidays. It was great talking to her and catching up. She married one of my brothers so she knows how I feel as she married into this family. We have a family event the weekend before Thanksgiving and she wanted to know if I’ll be there. Being the single loser I am, I did not get invited with guest. So my first thought is why again do I want to be the odd man out. I’m told my sister may be coming in and that may explain why I’ve heard from her in the past few weeks. I also found out she stopped talking to some of her friends when they had kids as she didn’t understand the kid commitment. I thought shed get it now that she has kids. I’m not sure if she doesn’t get it or doesn’t accept it. I think my sister needs me when she comes in town as she will need a babysitter as my parents cannot walk the stairs. Again I’m the convenience factor. The kids love me, I don’t see them much as I can walk the stairs. I’m just so fed up of being used. Is that the reason I was put here on Earth? I certainly hope not but it sure seems that way. This is why suicide seems so good to me. But as I’ve heard keep thinking of the good things. I try so hard and days like today help but then I come back to reality and go home home to an empty house. Still second guessing my every move and wondering what I need to do to find my value an worth in this world. I don’t get how I can have such a good day and then come home alone to think and contemplate suicide. I really don’t think I want to commit suicide but it looks so tempting to me. I’m going to try and stay on the right path. It is so hard knowing that Thanksgiving is so close and how much I hate that holiday. I’m hoping to sleep so I don’t think bad thoughts all night. I’m still here so I’m keeping in mind everything that has been said to me. Thank you.
Sincerely yours,
Hopelessly still here


2 thoughts on “Really, why am I here?

  1. i have often felt used and a mere convenience to friends and family. but remember its not your fault or choice. and you shouldn’t see yourself this way. keep on going with the positive thinking!!! life will unfold beautifully for you!

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