Thank you

 Dear world,

Thank you for a good day.  I started the day off studying for a certification class I’m taking in October.  By break was spent baking banana bread.  From there I went back to the books to make sure I have all the correct information.  The exam, certification course is usually mostly males so I want to make sure I do well.  After the banana breads were done I met some friends at a kids game facility to have fun.  Not only was it well needed bur well deserved.  We spent a couple of hours playing and I was in heaven as I got to play pinball.  I’m not the best pinball player but I do love my pinball.  I’m thinking of buying another pinball machine as I sold mine years ago.  Now I’ve only got the full size dart board.  It’s a lot of fun too, but it’s more fun with another person.im starting to figure out how to stay alive.  I’m far from cured as I’m still very depressed but I’m taking it one step at a time.  I love the support here and it makes me realize I’m not alone.  I’m going to find things to study, things to write and anything else I can do to stay busy.  I am starting to see hope.  Now time for me to stop thinking and time to play.  Hope your day was as good as mine.

 

Sss

 

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blast from the past

Dear Old Friends,
Why out of the blue are friends from my past coming back? Do they genuinely want to be friends again or is there some kind of alterior motive? Am I being my usual questionable self? I truly want to believe they miss what we had and life is short. I did not call any of these individuals back as I’m still hesitant. They called my cell but didn’t leave a message. If you don’t leave a message I’m thinking you really didn’t want to talk to me. We are all dependent upon our phones. I’d rather pick up my phone and talk to them before I sent a text. But with text messages you can carry on a few conversations at once and I love that. I’m still feeling miserable and depressed and I don’t know if I can admit my feelings to a doctor. I really wish people could treat each other with respect and not just talk to them because they need something. That’s why I’m hesitant about calling any of those people back. Are you missing me or did you lose someone and I’m your backup plan? I want to think we can get over whatever troubles we had and just be real friends. I love people and I’m really an extrovert so this depression thing is killing me as it overtakes my life. And speaking of blasts from the past, I got an invitation in the mail today. Needless to say its from relatives that live in town, but I’ve never been good enough for them. So why now? And why just my name? Can I not bring someone along with me? I’d feel really awkward going alone if at all. So to everyone in my past let’s get together, please give me a reason to stay alive. I need some kind of sign. I’m at a loss as to what I should do. Thank you for listening, now if only we can get back together.
Sincerely yours,
Forever hopeful

Confusion

Dear world,

Im still very confused and distraught.  I guessed I scared a friend last as she thought I made a poor choice and ended my life.  It turns out I had just turned my phone off as I’m supposed to be off this week.  I was told to think of what impact I would have on others if I did commit suicide.  She said that the impact on others would be irreversible.  My response was if I did end my life that I would make a lot of people happy.  I truly believe a lot of people I know are using me for what I can do for them.  I do not see any value in me as a person and most of my coworkers are just fake, smile at you and pretend they really care about you.  Over the past day or I’ve received quite a few emails, calls and text messages.  I am not sure why?  Do people see that I’m down and depressed? Or are they just confused as to why I’m so quiet and reserved.   I think I’m holding it together for the most part pretty well as most people see me as normal.  I don’t want people to know how I really feel.  It’s just getting to be a lot of things going on.  Work and life in general are overwhelming and it seems as if I can do no right.  I really do try to my best at whatever I’m doing at the time.  Do people really care?  Am I supposed to be here on Earth living life, or am I supposed to just end it all and have no worries?  My mind is constantly running and I cannot get my mind or my brain to stop thinking.  Part of my problem is lack of sleep and that’s not a good thing.  How can I sleep when my mind is so filled with thoughts, most are not good for me and are very negative.  I blame myself for a lot and when I do something good or positive I usually take it for granted.  I just assume  these things should be done and if it’s my job I need to do it.  I continually second guess myself and do not think I can do anything right.  I’m afraid to let too many people how I really feel as I feel like a and this is very hard for me to talk about let alone admit it.  Yes I know most people will get depressed at one point in his or her life, but it seems as if I should be over this by now.  Not a whole lot excites me and I’m very apathetic.    I’m tried to find something that makes me happy but it’s getting harder and harder to do.  I really question everything right now?  Please help me find a reason to stay alive.  Will anyone really miss me?  I’m thinking that some people will be upset but I see more happy faces if I’m gone.  Things do not seem to get better.
Sincerely yours
Truly confused

World

Dear World,

I have just one question,  why me?  Am I really that bad of a person?  What can I do to amend for the past?  I’ve been told numerous times that in order to receive youkneed to believe.  Please tell me how and what to believe.  I’m willing to learn if only I can be seen in a better light.    Really I do try but no matter what I do it’s never enough or just not right.  It seems as everyone is changing and moving up and forward and I’m stuck in reverse.  I’m at a job where I worked as a kid and it was actually my first job other than babysitting.    I’ve been told its fate as this is where I belong.  As I’ve said before I love most aspects of my job but the politics and red tape are killing me.  No matter how hard I try I end up doing it wrong.  I’m in a difficult position as no one really wants my job but it seems as if I can’t do it either.  In life I love the environment and animals.  I’ve got two fish tanks that I love as I’m not home enough for a dog.week few months ago I wanted to add more to my tank so I bought two orange crayfish.  They were the coolest creatures, then they started eating everything in my tank.  If that wasn’t enough after the tank was emptied they went on to kill each other.    I cleaned the tank and changed the water and let it sit for a week.  After that time I bought some more fish hoping for the best.  I put them in the tank one by one.  After a day the fish slowly died one after another.  I changed the water and tank again putting new fish in the tank.  I’ve had numerous fish tanks of various sizes over the years.  So I’m not a rookie as I’ve got a lot of experience with freshwater fish and aquatic turtles.  I’m now hoping my new fish will thrive in their new environment.  In the mean time my phone starts buzzing with text messages from work.  I’m trying to take some  time off and I’m still in constant contact.  I really do believe I’m the best at what I do professionally and I’m so trying to believe in myself and see how valuable I am to this world.  It’s so difficult for me to see my own value and worth as I’m constantly being put down both at work anmy with friends and family.  I constantly think that ending my life will make a lot of people happy.  Will it really?  I do not really know and I am not sure I’ll ever find out.  Fortunately I’ve got a couple of real friends keeping their eyes on me.  I’m thinking so many bad thoughts about myself and then start to question the world as to why I’m here?  Please can I see apositive sign to stay alive?  Whyshould I be here on earth?  Please help me.  Thank you.

Sincerely yours,

Forever hopeful

Family cont

Dear family

I went to your house this afternoon to say hi as I knew it would be relatively quiet.  I called first to see if they needed anything.  Being that they have caller ID, I knew my dad would answer the phone.  He is generally happy to talk to me and to see me.   As usual he wanted lottery tickets and I had to go to the pharmacy anyways.  My mom hates getting him tickets and he doesn’t drive anymore so it was my pleasure.  I would do anything for my parents when push comes to shove.  When I walked in the house my dad said thank you and started talking to me.  He’s not feeling great so I like to make sure he is ok.  He will talk to me and tell me the truth and he also knows if he needs something he will get it from me.  My dad only knows a few phone numbers but mine iembedded in his mind.  It doesn’t hurt that I tend to work a lot and fortunately my job is only a few minutes from my parents house.  My mom was on the phone when I walked in and that’s fine as I could get my dad time in.  She did not seem happy to see me as she is finally starting to realize that I need and deserve to be treated better.  Just because I’m not married and I don’t have kids, does that mean I’m no good and I’m of no value?  That is how I have always been treated and I just accepted it.  I should be accepted for who I am and forwhat I do and not just what I can do for you.  I just wanted to be treated the same as you treat anyone else.  I’m trying to do the best I can with what I have.  I’m not asking for special treatment just acknowleded for being me.  I don’t make a lot of money so I work a couple of jobs to pay my bills.  My family would help me if I got in real trouble but then they would hold it over my head. In the past they have helped me financially as well as helping my siblings.  I’m trying to pay my bills and I’m trying to be responsible.   I’ve been given stipulations recently if I borrowed money and this is the root to a lot of my current family issues.  But note my siblings borrow money and the response is that they have kids and they need to be taken care of and I’m alone.   I really do not see my parents to get money.  I love them and all I want at this point is their love and friendship.  Now they see that I’m doing what I want and they see they need to accept me as I am.   I’ve been told that blood is thicker than water so my family should be there for me.  I’m giving them space so they can accept me and realize I’m around but not for their convenience.  I’m still the black sheep so there’s only so much I can do.  Love me for who I am as a person and not what I can do for you.  I’m here for you but I’m done having you take advantage of me.  I should not consider ending my life in order to avoid you at all costs.  Please if you really want me here do not drive me to suicide.  I’m real and I’m still here trying to make sense of everything and see my value and worth in order to stay alive.

Sincerely yours

trying to stay alive

family

Dear Family,

I know I should be with you now celebrating the Jewish New Year as it is that time.  I do not really feel welcomed into my own parents home as I do not think anyone is genuine.  I am the black sheep of the family (if you have read earlier posts you have heard this) and it seems as though no matter what I do it is wrong.  I have been questioned on everything I do from college majors to boyfriends and houses.  I am more of a rebel as I do not like to be told what to do.  I will listen to opinions and values of others but I do not want to or like to be told what to do.  I tend to do the opposite of what I am told and that in itself makes people unhappy.   If it truly is my life why cannot I make the decisions.  I am a single female in my late 40’s without children and I have never been married, even though I came close a couple of times.  So in my family as well as in society I am seen as a loner, a loser.  That is how I have been treated especially the last three and a half years since the passing of my last boyfriend who I almost married.  If we had gotten married I would be a widower and I am not sure if that is any better or worse.  My guess is that I would have had a better status seen that I was married.   I do not see how marriage or kids holds a higher status or makes you a better person.  I feel like a loser as that is how I am treated by most people.  My self esteem and self worth are very low as I do not see my value if any, of being here in life.  Deep down I know that I am generally a good person.  But between family, so called friends and work right now I believe I am totally useless and should not be alive today.  I do not know why I am here other than for people to laugh at and to use me as needed.  That is a big part of me being home right now instead of being with my family.  They truly do not care about me but they also see that I am moving further and further away from them.  I tend to talk to my dad a lot as he genuinely cares and feels bad.  I reassure him that I am fine and that I am exhausted from work and my pain levels are through the roof.  I have a foot problem that cannot really be healed so I am trying to deal with it.  I feel totally useless a lot of the time as I am too young to be feeling this much pain both internally and externally.  I am constantly questioning why me especially this time of year when we are supposed to forgive others and look forward to a prosperous new year.   It is said it is to be a good year with all of us inscribed and sealed in the book of life.  I love this idea but I do not wholeheartedly believe it as I am still confused on this thing called life.  I also know deep down that some of my family do care for me but they want to be a part of the norm and just accept that I am there when they need something.  I am sick and tired of being used and it is about time that I either find a new life or just end my life, both which I have contemplated a lot lately.  The more I see the way things are the more I want to end my life and it is not worth living.  I find fewer and fewer people that want me in their lives.  The more I see and hear this the more I wonder why I am still living?  I used to love he holidays and spending quality time with the family and friends but since the passing of my ex things have just escalated in a bad way and I do not feel wanted.  Why do you keep asking me to attend these things knowing how much they hurt me and how I usually end up fighting or arguing with someone.  It is like this on all holidays both secular and religious.  Most of my friends love holidays but I tend to disagree and end up staying home alone.  The really sad thing is that I am more welcome in other homes than in my own.  To me that is just really sad when I do not feel welcome where I belong.  So this being said what do I do?  I really do not know what to do as I am at a loss in life in a whole.  I really do not know what I want or what to do anymore.  The more I read online the more I realize how depressed I really am and I do not want to stay alive anymore.  I need to change my train of thoughts and I think that may be best done by relaxing and rethinking through things on how to live my life to be inscribed and sealed in that book of life.  I need to find positive and genuine people if there are any more out there.  I have found one friend like that and I feel bad for her as I put a lot on her as she is the only one I can really talk to.  My family and other friends ask how I am but they are asking out of courtesy not out of care.  I need to find my place in life and find my value.  I do not see any of my value or worth as I am too busy listening to all of the negative things and people in my life.  Family if you really want me back then show me and do not just use me for what I can do for you.  I am a person and I am alive and if you want me to stay alive I need to see some genuine care and concern.  I hate feeling this useless and of no value  but I have no other way to feel.  I am hoping no one else has to deal with their family or with holidays in this manner as it is not fun.

Sincerely yours,

Lost and confused

Work

Dear world,

Why do we have to work? Life would be more fun and easier if we did not have to work.  I have been in my profession for over 30 years in which I have gained incredible knowledge and insight.  In this time I’ve also earned a few university degrees amongst numerous certifications.  I truly believe I’m one of the best in my field.  Not to brag or sound cocky but I’m very good at my job.  So why do I let people at work get to me?  I have been yelled at by all the big bosses for the past 3 weeks.  This constant mistreatment makes me wonder why I’m here on Earth.  I’ve pretty much been told I’m no good and I’ve got no clue what I’m doing.  If there was ever a good time to commit suicide, this would be it.  But the more I think about committing suicide the more I want to stay alive to piss these people off.  I’ve never been appreciated or acknowledged for anything I do.  Why do I care?  I’m still trying to figure that out myself.  I need to focus on me and just do what I know is right.  I need to do my job and not worry or care about others.  I’ve got very few real people in my life that genuinely care or have a concern for me.  This makes me realize I have no value or worth and will not be missed.    I have spent way too many days and nights crying.  I’m not sleeping or eating well and this is not helping me.  I don’t even know what I want.  I’m second guessing everything I say and do.  They being educated is good but I cannot figure out how or why.  Most jobs will not look at me as I’m overqualified.  So how does my education help?  I know a lot of people with less education and certifications doing better than me.  And this leads to my feelings of worthlessness.  I’m not saying or writing this to get pity but just to state a point.  I don’t like my ass kissed by people as I’d rather treated for who I am as a person.  And getting yelled at constantly does not help me nor does it make me want to stay alive.  It seems that no matter what I do or say I’m wrong.  That is the best reason not to stay alive.  It is getting so hard to be me.  I feel like a punching bag but without any external marks or bruising.  Why do I still work where I do today?  There is only one reason, I do it for the kids.  My passion is working with the kids.  They are so sweet and innocent.  There are plenty of other people here that could do my job when I leave this Earth, sooner than later.  And if it’s true that only the good die young, the only way I can die is by taking my own life.  I’m at such a loss I don’t even know what to do.  I realy feel as if today should be last day here on Earth as I’m not sure how much more I can take.

Sincerely yours,

Lost and confused